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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22467883">it probably happens at night, right?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DigitalGhost/pseuds/DigitalGhost'>DigitalGhost</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Steven Universe (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(Somewhat) Original Music, Abuse-Caused Mental Illness, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Disassociation, Eating Disorders, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Breakdown(s), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Instability, Emotional Roller Coaster, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Needs Therapy, Gay Character, Gay Male Character, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of homophobia, Original Character With An Eating Disorder, Original Character(s), Other, Panromantic Steven Universe, Platonic Male Relationship, Post-Steven Universe: The Movie, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Future Canon, STEVEN CAN DRIVE, Self Harm, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Singing, Sleepless nights, Steven Can't Sleep, Steven Has Trouble Sleeping, Steven Universe Future, Steven Universe Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Steven Universe Needs A Therapist, Steven Universe Needs a Hug, Steven Universe has nightmares, Steven With His Ukuele, Steven drives, Steven needs a hug, Steven's Music Skills, implied eating disorder, implied self harm, mental breakdown(s), mentions of past mental abuse, mentions of past physical abuse, self-deprecation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 08:35:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,925</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22467883</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DigitalGhost/pseuds/DigitalGhost</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Just as usual, Steven can't sleep. When the minutes have turned into hours however, he decides to go out on a nighttime adventure. He doesn't find rest however, but instead something and someone else...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steven Universe &amp; Original Character, Steven/Angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>185</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Steven Universe Completed Recommended Reads</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>it probably happens at night, right?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>title is from holding on to you by twenty one pilots</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When the sun is up and shining, blessing everyone who feels its rays of care and love, so is Steven Universe. He beams his light brightly so others can see, and be comforted in its warmth. They all depend on him, one way or another. Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Dad, Connie, Bismuth, Lapis, Peridot, even Lion. All his familiar human friends from Beach City. All his new gem friends from Little Homeworld. He smiles for them all day and night, helping out with even the littlest things and wandering around the settings of his life, purposeless until help cries his name. He works and works and works during the day, blinking away the more troubling thoughts like one might blink away dust in their eye, or wipe away rain on their windshield. Pushed away so he can better deal with it later.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the sun retires for the night, disappearing behind the distant, towering hills to spread its light somewhere else, his own light starts to flicker. He grimaces through conversations instead of smiling through them, he's not as quick or dependable in helping others, instead blundering through the simplest tasks, fumbling like a kid and hating himself for it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dad and Connie wish him sweet dreams, the Gems bid him goodnight, and then he lies alone, his heartbeat the only moving thing in his house at this hour. He wills his eyelids closed; they refuse to stay put, and re-open stubbornly, letting his tired, worn eyes explore the same, dark surroundings for another night. Looks like another set of however many long hours is here. His eyes had been open for so long he nearly nodded off when blinking, but he's still unable to fully rest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Any remaining glow from the sunset had long since faded, and the stars and the moon illuminated his room through the glass door. The deep ocean swells against the shallow tide, ever indecisive in regards to the shore. Every other living thing slumbers at this hour, or at least every organic living thing. His beautiful home town, usually gleaming with sounds of life and excitement, is now perfectly silent, as the humans recharge their energy for another day. Some of the Gems would also be sleeping, but most would just quietly go about their business until the sun rose again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone doing what they're supposed to. All but Steven Universe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven sighed, guessing that it had been around two hours by now, and gave up on trying to sleep. Even if he did somehow fade into unconsciousness soon, it'd probably be interrupted by horrid nightmares and silent tears anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hopping out of bed on a whim, he quietly grabbed his </span>
  <span>scattered flip flops from around his room</span>
  <span>, his keys from the hooks, and then left, trying not to disturb anything with a racket. Then again, in the gem-filled temple there wasn't much to disturb anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven walked out onto the beach, the sand and sea now under a different glow, here in the ethereal twilight. The dark ocean glimmered beneath the waxing moon, the light's reflections ever shifting on the gentle waves. The sand, soft and soothing beneath his bare feet, appeared both lighter and darker in these midnight hours.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He walked along the beach near the end of the sea's reach, where the sand was dark and wet, but water only tickled his feet at the return of the tide. His small sixteen-year-old toes dipped soft impressions into the sand as he walked, washed back over at the next breath of the ocean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven was in no hurry; everyone had such short lives, there was no reason to rush at all. He dug his big toe deep into the sand, then stood back and watched as the waves pushed and pulled against the shore, smoothing over his little hole. All things were made whole again by the ocean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He walked back a few steps then sat down in the sand. He was close enough that his feet still got soaked in saltwater every few seconds, but it wouldn't reach further and soak his clothes. He had enough to worry about for one night. Merely sitting here on the beach, even his routinely troubles left in the temple for the evening, Steven found he felt more at peace now than in a while. A long time. Years, probably.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alone at night, there was no one to save, no problems to solve. No smiles to force, no thoughts to push back. Here, it was all in front of him, plain and simple as the sea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grudgingly enough, he knew eventually the people around him would run out of problems for him to solve. Maybe they'd learn how to deal with it themselves, or their lives would just get easier. Either way, in the future, whether distant or near, there just wouldn't be room for him one day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pearl had gained her independence and self-confidence without Rose or her Diamond in her life, she had nothing to gain from time with him. His presence even seemed to make the situation worse, sometimes. He knew Pearl would try to hide her remorse, but he knew her too well by now to miss the anguish in her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amethyst was now so comfortable and knowing about her identity, home, and family. He'd only been a part of her life for the last sixteen years, not even a blink to a regular Gem. She couldn't have space for him in her life, especially not if he needed mental support from her. Steven couldn't stand the thought of his fragile state possibly cracking her own foundation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Garnet had learned of the depth behind her love past the simple 'because it's right'. Even through her reassuring smiles, he could never shake the feeling that it was still the reason both her halves supposedly loved him. I mean, he nearly destroyed their entire relationship! Steven would never have forgiven himself if Ruby and Sapphire's turmoil turned out to be permanent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His dad loved him dearly, but he still had his van, the car wash, and Sadie Killer And The Suspects. Who needs a clingy, unstable teenager when you could have all those things instead?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connie was the one he both most and least wanted to tell about everything that dragged his shoulders down during the day. But she would understand, or at least try to, on the most equalized ground than any of the others. But she would understand, is also the problem. Connie, the genius that she is, would probably know at the slightest pained hint, the truth behind his fake smiles. He couldn't afford someone worrying about him on the levels she would. Or on any levels at all, rather.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a long while of uncomfortable silence, Steven decided he needed a change of scenery. He stood up, wiped the sand off his pants, and made his way to his car.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He put the key into the door lock and turned it, the motion familiar and mindless. He had to hop up a little to get into the driver's seat, as even with him growing faster and bigger than ever before, it was still rather high up off the ground for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven started the engine, hearing the low but strong hum of its life. He grabbed a thick, black folder from the passenger seat, and opened it. He skimmed through all his tapes, looking for any music that could possibly match his mood. Ah, there's one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pushed the tape into the player, and a slow, melancholy tune filled the car's interior. He didn't meet his own eyes in the rearview mirror as he took it out of park and drove off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ever since he'd started driving by himself, he'd found a sort of.. solace in it. It both took lots of and no mental energy at all to do. So, of course, while his immediate brain and instincts were focused on keeping himself within the lines, the deeper consciousness usually drifted to whatever other topics it pleased.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Like for instance, the other day after he'd spent too much time with himself and needed a breather. This was maybe a month ago, when he still wore the blue starred shirt. He'd been bleeding badly along his wrist and forearm (for reasons he was choosing not to think about), and foolishly tried to wrap it with a spare shirt. And because the shirt was such a light shade of blue, and because there was so much blood, it had bled through and stained the shirt.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>'Stupid Steven!' </span>
  </em>
  <span>He thought as he turned onto the road, chiding his past self. And because he knew he'd probably be bleeding from the same reasons and bodily location in the future, he'd started wearing the black shirt. Blood stains are hardly visible on such a dark color, after all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even in the heat, he never takes off his jacket. There's just too many secrets there, hiding themselves away underneath his sleeves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But when he has a lot on his mind like tonight, and tries to drive away from it all, his eyes can't stay on the road, moving everywhere and nowhere at once. It reflected the chaotic, simply sad state within his mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly realizing the lines on the road were in the wrong spot, he found himself drifting away from his lane. Though the oncoming road was entirely empty, shame still flooded his system as he fixed his rookie mistake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Come on, Steven!!" He cried to himself over the music. "Can't you just do something right for once?! God, stop being such a failure..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The music filled the empty space within his car and his head, drowning out his other thoughts and letting his mind be satisfying blank. </span>
  <em>
    <span>'Just a little time... Just a little something else instead..'</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>going to bed tonight, at some point. Like the lyrics said, he just needed some time... Tiring himself out so he'd fall asleep easy was an old trick for him, but going out and driving was something new. Usually he simply turned down the volume on his TV and played video games until he dozed off if he blinked too long. Tonight, he'd probably just head back to the temple either in a few hours or once his eyes started drooping, whichever came first.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He kept driving, approaching the near-complete Little Homeworld. Some lights were still on at this hour, Gems who didn't want to sleep but wanted to continue their work. They were all dim though, so even their combined light wouldn't bother the sleep-needing human citizens of the neighboring town.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nearing the exit for the sleepless Gem town, he weighed his options, still unsure of what to do. He could maybe spend a few hours in Little Homeworld, find someone to hang around with, but still plaster on a grimacing smile and his "everything is fine" attitude that he always did in the daylight. Or, he could keep driving, away from both his homes, the old and the new, and find something, somewhere new to take his worries away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His music tape faded into focus as he eyed the somewhat bright, populated town not too far off. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Just a little something else instead…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven kept an eye on the happy little town, even after he passed it and swift glances in his rearview mirror were all he could get. But after the third song on the tape starts, even the lights, the signs of life and love in the alienated town, blink away in the distance. He twists and turns through the now-unfamiliar road, and Beach City, Little Homeworld, his home, is nothing more than a hazy afterthought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven'll be back in the morning, this little road trip of his is nothing more than that. Little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right?</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Steven eyed his gas meter on the console as he took an unfamiliar exit off the freeway, and hoped there was fuel, restrooms, and maybe some snacks somewhere close by. It'd become even more of an adventure if his car died on the side of the road in this mystery town.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  He followed the bright, neon lights of 24-hour restaurants and rest stops, and thankfully found a little convenience store with a few gas pumps. He pulled up, started filling up his tank, and went inside for food.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Inside was a lot brighter than even his headlights, so Steven squinted as he walked into the building. A tired, middle-aged cashier was slouching at the counter, switching between scrolling through her phone and nodding off. Further away, a teenager around his age was sitting on the floor by some old, broken arcade games. He was curled up on himself, and his eyes were closed, probably asleep. At least, Steven hoped he's just asleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  He grabbed a water bottle, a bag of crackers, a candy bar, and a breakfast burrito, the latter in case he doesn't make it back to Beach City in time for breakfast. Steven brought them over to the counter, tapping the cashier awake from her spotty rest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  "Is that all for ya?" She asked as if on instinct, eyes bleary. At the sound of her voice, the teen in the corner jerked awake and lifted his head, looking over at Steven and the cashier.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Steven nodded, handing her a 10 dollar bill. He tried to meet the teen's gaze, but after a moment, the wary eyes looked back down to his lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  He eyes the cashier, gesturing at the cornered teen. "Is he.. okay? Shouldn't he be home by now?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  The cashier gave him a look that says </span>
  <em>
    <span>'shouldn't you?</span>
  </em>
  <span>', but then sighed. "The poor kid got kicked out by his parents a few days ago, right before they left for a big trip. I think he's been trying to follow them, but he can't drive, and doesn't have money.. I'm just letting him crash here for the night."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Kicked out... by your own parents?? And Steven thought being mistaken for and called his mom all the time was rough. At least his mom had done </span>
  <em>
    <span>some</span>
  </em>
  <span> good things.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  "Thanks.." Steven mumbled to the cashier, then grabbed his bag and eyed the other teen. His head was in his knees now, possibly sleeping. Steven watched his shoulders though, and he could tell that the other boy was just feigning sleep, probably not wanting to talk. Well, Steven wouldn't make him do anything he didn't want to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  "Hey." He said, walking up to the other teen. After a moment's hesitation, he sat down against the wall next to him. Steven made sure all of his movements were gentle, slow, like one might move around a spooked animal.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  The other boy lifted his head, looking directly at Steven for the first time. "Hi.." He sounded unsure, with a gravelly voice, cracking probably with lack of use.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Steven peered into his grocery bag with his snacks inside, and looked back at the boy. "Are you hungry at all?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  He looked at Steven's ankles, taking slow deep breaths as if he was fighting himself over the answer. "No."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Steven pulled out everything from the bag except the burrito, setting the snacks between the both of them. "Well, in case you change your mind, I have these if you want."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  The boy just stared at them. He wrapped his arms around his chest as he straightened his legs in front of him, but still not taking the food.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Steven shrugged to himself, and unwrapped the candy bar, breaking off a piece of the chocolate for himself. The boy still looked tense as he eyed Steven eating the candy, seemingly too afraid to ask for any. It hurt Steven to see the amount of pain and unease in those gray eyes. "So, what's your name?" He asked, searching for a more neutral topic.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  "Nick." The other boy said quietly, and finally took a cracker. He munched on it, eating only a little at a time. Well, progress is progress, no matter how small.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  "Cool. I'm Steven." He saw Nick attempt a smile at him, but it came out half-hearted, and a little awkward.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  "Did you get kicked out too? Or did you run away or something?" He's a little surprised by the sudden talkativeness, but he doesn't mind it. Better than awkward silence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  "I, um.. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>kinda</span>
  </em>
  <span> ran away from home- Well, I drove away, and I'm just gone until the morning. My family doesn't really know I'm gone." He said, exhaling. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>will</span>
  </em>
  <span> be back by morning, back to his beach house with the big windows, the big family, walls that push in at him, the portrait hanging above the stairs that he doesn't want to look at anymore...</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Nick nodded. "I get that. I used to do it too, way back when I had a house to run away from."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Steven quirked his head, taking another cracker. "The cashier said it was just a few days ago..?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Nick looked at him, nodding again. "Exactly. Way back when. Another lifetime, forever ago, ect cetera, ect cetera."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Steven merely stared at him before he couldn't stifle it anymore. He erupted into laughter, for reasons he himself wasn't even entirely sure of. The smile on his face felt strange, but in a good way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Steven tried to slow his breathing, looking back at Nick's clueless expression. "Sorry, it's just.. Not only has it been a while since I've heard that much sarcasm, but.. I feel it too. Having each day feel like a thousand years."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Nick's hardened poker face softened just a little at that, smiling as he reached for another cracker. "Thanks for the food, by the way. You really didn't have to give me anything."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Steven gasped over-dramatically, and spoke in a big, almost stupid voice with a matching, almost stupid smile. "Oh really, I didn't? I guess I'll just, well, take all this food with me.." He elbowed Nick gently, hoping it wouldn't go over his head. "I know I didn't have to, but I did anyway. That's the magic about being nice."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Nick smirked, taking a swig from the water bottle. "So, Mr. Unnecessarily Nice, what are you up to at this fine, ripe hour of 1 in the morning?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Was it really one already? He hadn't even thought to keep track of the time, this whole trip just existing in the timeless no-man's land of twilight. He started planning how long it'd take him to get home at this point as he vaguely explained the reasonings behind his sleepless adventure of the day. Steven really didn't want to include too many details, like the Diamond and legacy his mother had left for him, the way nearly every Gem he met depended on him one way or another, or the vivid nightmares that shot his eyes open even on restful, ordinary nights. Nope, Steven needed none of that magical destiny, and neither did Nick. Instead, through his explanation he just painted a picture of a stressed out, self-sacrificial teen with maybe not the most stable mental state. It wasn't too far off from the full truth anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Nick nodded along silently as Steven talked, understand seeping through his gray eyes. "Yeah, I get that. Two words: life's rough. So where are you heading after this?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>  Suddenly deep in thought, Steven processed the question. Where </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> he going after this?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick seemed to catch on with his indecisiveness with a sympathetic smile. "No need to rush your decisions, man. Just going out and about somewhere?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Good thing the other teen had pretty much answered for him, 'cos he still had no idea. "Yeah, I guess." He eyed Nick's anxious hands, fiddling with whatever they came in contact with, a contrast to the rest of the seemingly calm teenager. "You... don't happen to be doing anything tonight, would you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The other boy's dark eyes lit up with a smirk. "Besides patronizing this poor cashier and letting this dirty gas station floor contaminate me even more, nope. But if you're offering an invitation... I wouldn't mind not being contaminated for a night."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven stood up, smiling. At least now he had someone to share this existential crisis of his with. During the day, he probably wouldn't even think of offering. But here, in the refreshing company of the twinkling stars, he was going off to take a ride with a stranger during yet another major depressive episode.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Moonlight can make people do strange things.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry for the mess, I don't usually get, uh, visitors." Steven mumbled, chuckling awkwardly as he shoved all the random stuff that had piled into his passenger seat into the back of the Dondai. '</span>
  <em>
    <span>Seriously, Past Steven, couldn't you have just taken your trash into your house with you and throw it away there?'</span>
  </em>
  <span> He thought, tossing aside an old, empty bag of fry bits. Man, he could see now how Amethyst's room could have collected so much junk in it over the years. Nick stood behind him silently, not saying anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Alright, it's somewhat more cleaner now, if you still wanna get in." Steven said, gesturing to the worn, empty seat. Nick smirked and proceeded to sit down while Steven went around to the driver's side door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned on the engine, and suddenly his turned up but slightly depressing music made them both jump in their seats. </span>
  <em>
    <span>'-awberries and cigarettes'</span>
  </em>
  <span> his sound system blared before he quickly managed to turn down the volume.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, where to?" Nick asked after a moment, a faint smile evident on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Uh.. I was just gonna ask you that very question." Steven confessed. Planning for stuff had never quite been one of his strong suits.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick grunted. "How 'bout we start with getting out of this parking lot?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven put it into drive, and did as he was told. "Now what?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The other boy teasingly threw his hands in the air. "You're the one driving here, man! You choose."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven wanted to argue, but facts didn't lie, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> the one driving. Peeking out at the road, he turned left, opposite of the direction he'd came. Further away from Beach City. Further from his home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Aware of the somewhat awkwardness and the need for his attention on the road, Steven didn't try too hard for conversation with Nick for a while. Okay, he didn't try at all. But what was there even to talk about? </span>
  <em>
    <span>'So, Nick, your parents kicked you out of the house and abandoned you? That's cool. My mom gave up her physical form to birth me, leaving me with the magical gemstone of both a free-willed rebel leader and a controlling authoritarian matriarch, both of whom was the same person, a deceitful, abandon-prone lier!'</span>
  </em>
  <span> Yeah, cause that'd certainly go down well.</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>So he chose silence instead. Silence, a comfortable, calm time with no expectations, rather than the tense, worrisome space with unasked questions and poorly-masked concern that he was so used to at home. He didn't miss the way Pearl's lips would purse as he said he already ate and just wanted to sleep. He was just fine away from Garnet's three eyes that would worriedly train on him as he worked himself every day, morning to night. He felt better away from Amethyst's gentle nudging toward a snack or a break when he didn't need either. All their concerns that they shoved at him day and night had become kind of suffocating, at least as of late. Maybe he just needed a breather.</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Maybe he'd come back to the temple tomorrow morning, return to his regular schedule, and feel more free, more comfortable, and definitely not like he was being pressed in on from all sides, invisible walls constantly crushing his lungs even as he stood amongst friends, perfectly fine.</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>Or maybe he'd come back to the temple tomorrow morning, see their pursed lips, trained eyes, and soft suggestions, and break completely. After the long night of soothing solitude he'd have experienced by the sun's rising, the sight of their concern pressing in on him once again would just be the lighting match to the explosives of his (lack of) emotional control, and whatever resolve he'd still have at that point would dissolve in his tears. Disappointment would start to  blossom within his core, pouring out into the rest of him as he realizes how bad he's let them down, that he knows he's not Pink Diamond and he knows he's not Rose Quartz and the least he could do for them is at least be Steven Universe, but he can't even do that without becoming an utter failure. He might lead them to an adoption center, at least, before he left forever to not let them down again, and they could find a new child to raise as their own, to have a second chance at not raising an inadequate, worthless and emotionally-unstable second-rate disappointment of a kid.</span>
</p><p>
  
  <span>"Dude, you're drifting into the other lane, this isn't England." Nick said, grabbing his arm and disconnecting his train of thought. Ashamed, Steven turned back into the right lane, hunching his shoulders at his foolish mistake. That was the second time tonight that he'd done that. Maybe he should just drop Nick off somewhere to spend the rest of the night, so when Steven's terrible driving skills landed him in an accident, only the one who deserves it would be hurt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick looked over at him, not with a look of concern like the Gems would, but a look of… understanding, maybe? "Do you wanna stop and sit down somewhere for a while, or do you want to keep going?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the hours of sunlight, Steven would've avoided answering all completely, and instead redirect the question back at whoever had asked it. Under the reign of the moon, however… "..I think I want to take a break from all this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The edges of Nick's mouth turned upward. "Good, cause the perfect place for escaping is coming up in a few miles..."</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>"Turn here." Nick said suddenly after a long while of silence, pointing to an ordinary-looking exit off the freeway. Steven, currently, was trying his best not to think any deprecating, self-hating, or disappointment-related thoughts, because if he lingered too long on anything like that, he'd probably end up crashing the car or having a complete mental breakdown in front of Nick, one of the two. If it was in front of anyone else he knew, he'd take the former in a heartbeat given a choice, but with Nick… He didn't think the sullen, somewhat distant young man would immediately cry out concerns and condolences (*cough* PEARL *cough*), but he still wasn't sure how he'd take all of Steven's sudden emotional honesty. Heck, Steven himself didn't know how to take it very well, and he'd been living with those damn emotions his whole life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven followed the lane markings off the exit, after which Nick provided further directions. He sensed the other young man's slight tenseness in the way he spoke, and decided not to ask how he knew the way there so well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"...And it's just up here, on your right." Nick said with finality. Steven didn't see anything as he pulled over to the side of the road, there not being any lamp posts or anything nearby, but as his headlights illuminated the area in front of them, he realized that was the point. There was nothing to see.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Vacant, rolling hills sprawled out across the landscape in front of them, with occasional  small trees and other plants dotting every couple of hilltops. The sidewalk that Steven pulled up next to, and that Nick was now standing on, had no barrier between it and those independent valleys. Their path to a moment of peace wasn't blocked by anything, and with a stir, Steven felt this was the first time he had no such obstacles in a very long time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He threw the snack bag from the gas station vaguely behind him as he got out, but a soft strumming stopped him. That almost sounded like… But </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span> would it be in here?? Curious, and confused, Steven pushed the driver's seat forward to get a better look at the mess that was his backseat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The plastic bag (with the forgotten breakfast burrito still inside) had landed against a familiar, ukulele-shaped case. </span>
  <span>Confused but glad for the stowaway's company, he grabbed his long time instrument before locking his car.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick was laying down on the first hillside facing the moon, looking relatively peaceful with his hands resting under his head. He didn't look happy, but didn't look particularly sad or angry either, instead wearing an expression that was more… contemplative. Steven silently sat down a few feet beside him, and took out his ukulele, much smaller in his lap than it had ever been in years past. He mindlessly fiddled with the strings before catching eye contact with Nick, who was staring at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you mind a little musical accompaniment? You can always just tell me to stop.." Steven asked, a little hesitant. Some people just didn't like music, as bizarre as that seemed to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick shrugged. "Just no cheesy love songs. Or 80's songs."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven chuckled, seeing as how he didn't know any songs like that, and especially not on the ukulele. "Don't worry about it, I'll just stick to my own music."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He strummed the familiar strings, playing around with some chord progressions until he found one he felt fit his mood. It was supposed to be a major, happy chord, but he added in an extra fifth to make it more melancholy, a little bit more minor. It wasn't something he normally did- but then again, neither was anything he'd done in the last however many hours. It all felt new and different, yet regretful and bittersweet, like he'd already left Beach City and Little Homeworld behind forever. Which, he hadn't. But it still left like a lifetime ago he'd last seen the Gems, and Connie, and his dad…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed and looked up at the sky, illuminated by only the distant, twinkling lights of far away suns, and the ever-present glow of the moon.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Shining like diamonds, the stars say hello. I know their gaze so well."</span>
  </em>
  <span> He sung to himself, low and quiet. </span>
  <em>
    <span>"I talk to them, and they'll talk to me-- our secrets I'll never tell."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Then the sun comes up, and the stars disappear! I suddenly realize that nobody's here, cause-</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Everything's quiet, I'm such a fool.. I should just go on and</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>ruuuun away."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick looked over at him, expression unreadable as he strummed the chords of the break, then looked back down at the grass again after a moment. Steven took a breath, and he started again.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"You're all so far off, but I'd like to talk.. I open my mouth to speak.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But can you hear me? Can I even hear me? I feel so alone, can anyone hear me?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Everything's quiet, I'm such a fool.. I should just go on and</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>ruuuun, ruuuun,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>ruuuuuuuun away…"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He played a quieter overture ending, just a smal, strummed chord in the same key, to end his song. Steven could feel the built-up emotions leak out of him as he sighed, and let the strings continue to vibrate, ringing and dissolving back into silence within the cool night air. He spaced out, looking at the distant, barely visible silhouette of the mountains when he remembered Nick's presence. Steven turned his head, seeing Nick's eyes looking down at the ground. The short blades of grass around their feet must be </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> interesting, huh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I…" Nick said quietly, then took in a soft breath and started again, slower. "That was a nice song. You seemed to get really emotional during the last little bit. I-I really felt it, and feel kind of the same, too. The wanting to talk, t-the loneliness…" Nick's voice broke as he trailed off, looking away from Steven again. It had been such a long time since someone had simply opened up to him like this, that he'd started to think he wasn't as in touch with other people as he'd once been. How could he be if he wasn't even in touch with himself?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven set his ukulele beside him, and scooted over to be closer to Nick. The teen wasn't crying, but he definitely looked like he might, his gray eyes misty and his expression sullen. Steven hesitated just a bit before setting his hand onto Nick's back, watching as the other boy froze and stiffened his spine from the physical contact. "Can I rub your back here?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick nodded silently, but he didn't look as tense or emotional as he had just a moment ago. Steven moved his hand in what he hoped to be a soothing circle, not straying from that little area in case Nick didn't want him touching him in a certain spot. Spending a majority of his life around war-experienced or psychologically hurt gems had taught him to tread carefully when it came to physical touch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven didn't push him to talk, nor did he himself want to either, as they sat together under the soft, silver moonlight in the grass. Continually rubbing circles on Nick's cloth-covered back, he could feel the bones and muscles pretty much directly beneath his fingers, instead of protected with a rounded, soft layer of baby fat that Steven's back was. He was just about to suggest they head back to his car when Nick spoke.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"My, um.. My mom and dad weren't really the.. best people." Nick murmured quietly, his words hardly more audible than a breath. Steven would've moved closer if there was any room to. "When I came out as gay about a month ago, they.. didn't take it so well." Nick gulped and took a few breaths, and Steven didn't dare move, not even his hand now stilled on Nick's back. "They did the stuff you'd typically expect, ya know- hit me, not let me out of the house, always letting me know what a disappointment I'd become. They let me know I wasn't worth wasting food on, so I kinda developed some.. habits. Then they said they were going on a trip, and bringing all the good, straight children, my siblings, with them. They said I better pray to whatever non-Biblical god I believed in that I wasn't there when they got back." Nick exhaled, Steven feeling his bony chest expand and contract as he filled up his lungs. "I did the smart thing and ran for my life, but..." He trailed off, seemingly unsure of what else there was to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven kept his eyes on the grass near their feet, not really sure what to do anymore other than just listen. This all seemed similar to when Lapis had started to settle in on Earth- uneasy, hesitant to open up, just needing someone to be there and listen most of the time. He slowly resumed rubbing Nick's back while wrapping his other arm around his own body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Steven..." Nick murmured, looking back at him, and with a start, Steven himself realized it was the first time the other teen had actually said his name. "Y-You good? 'Cause you look… not okay.""</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The half-human quickly looked up, his eyes wide and full of poorly-hidden pain. "What? No, I'm fine, really. In fact-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was suddenly cut off by Nick turning around and catching him in a hug. It didn't happen fast, and it wasn't particularly tight, it was merely the shock from the sudden physical contact that held all his limbs and his expression frozen in place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Look, Steven..." Nick said into his shoulder, his breath warming Steven's otherwise cold body. "I don't really know much of what you've been through, other than the little you told me, but I can definitely tell you're putting too much of something on yourself. I don't know what it is, it might be pressure, or responsibility, or something else, but whatever it is, you don't need it. What you need is to be honest with yourself. The song you sang was literally about not being able to talk to others about your problems, then running away because of it. You don't have to say anything, but..." Nick pulled his head away, his gray eyes full of sympathy and care. "I think that's really why you ran away last night."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven was hesitant as he pulled himself back into the hug, but it was the only option if he didn't want the caring, needlessly-kind teenager to see the liquid emotion leaking from his eyes. He said leaking, because Steven found that once the first tear fell, he couldn't find a way to stop the rest.</span>
</p><p><span>A few, quiet sobs escaped him on Nick's shoulder, but to Steven's surprise he didn't get reprimanded for it. In fact, Nick started rubbing his hands over the softness of Steven's upper back, the way the crying teen had done for him not just a few minutes ago. "It's okay,"</span> <span>he heard Nick whisper  through the hug, and the mere mention of those two words shattered whatever emotional control he had left.</span></p><p>
  <span>Steven sobbed, openly and brokenly, for reasons his distressed mind couldn't even fully comprehend at the moment. Images like broken glass shimmered through his mind: the gems, gazing at him with love and respect; him hanging out with Connie in the under-construction Little Homeworld, dreading even the smallest chances of fusion, avoiding any way for her to see into his broken thoughts; him by himself, laying on the beach house roof on a night not too different than this, holding a small knife against already-scarred skin. He saw his own imperfections, his shortcomings, his flaws; his hate for those things, and for himself, only fueling the continuous tears that were flooding down his cheeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A long while passed, and his sobs mellowed to hiccups with only occasional silent tears. He stayed in the embrace with Nick, both of them unknowingly a rock for the other. Being held by him was comfortingly warm; it'd been a long time since he'd been this physically close to another person, whether Gem or human. Only when he noticed the faintest hint of pink-orange light seeping through the skyline did he pull back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, I think I've used up all my tears for the next month." He quipped, wiping his face with his jacket sleeves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick playfully rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever, Steven. You'll probably just find a lost cat on the way home and cry about that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven genuinely laughed, not only because he needed it and it felt good, but he could remember a time not too long ago when he honestly would cry about a lost cat. It'd be kinda weird if Cat Steven appeared on the road way out here, though.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven stood up, taking a deep, relaxing breath as he helped the other teen get to his feet. He nodded toward the distant, minimally colored sunrise. "We should probably get going, huh."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick handed him his ukulele, now returned to inside its case. "I mean, unless you wanna just not show up to whatever you have going on tomorrow... today... in a few hours..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were more comfortable with each other than they had been before, as they walked back to Steven's car, talking familiarly. Once back in his car, Steven set the ukulele in the back, and grabbed the grocery bag, burrito still innocently inside. He showed it to Nick. "You hungry?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now that he knew what to look for, he could see the fight in Nick's eyes before he answered. "Yeah, but not for your stale car food."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Stale? I bought that a few hours ago, at the gas station where we met!"</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"It's stale."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"You watched me buy it!" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Whatever, I don't even like burritos anyway."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was quiet once again as Steven pulled back onto the road, toward the way they'd come.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Could we... go get breakfast somewhere though?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Smiling at even the small progress, Steven handed his phone to Nick to look for the nearest restaurants.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick didn't say anything about his lock-screen, which was a cute picture he had of Lion looking adorable, nor anything about his home screen, which was a funny-face selfie he and Connie had taken a few months back, with Pearl looking confused in the background. Bittersweet memories brought themselves to the front of his mind, before he decided to focus on driving (determined not to veer into the opposite lane again), pushing them back to his subconsciousness. It was a little odd, repressing </span>
  <em>
    <span>happy</span>
  </em>
  <span> memories instead of... uh, not as happy ones. But this was for the sake of his driving-centered attention, and plus, he'd get the real version of the people and animal in those pictures in just a few hours.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick ended up choosing a random burger joint, about a fifteen-minute-drive away from the field of hills. During the drive, they debated about the best way to prepare a sandwich (Nick was tasteless and didn't like any condiments), and the best anime-influenced tv shows currently out (Steven was amazed by his newfound friend having never heard of Lonely Blade). It was just friendly banter, but it felt as familiar as the cut of his own gem, a comfort to what would otherwise be a solitary trip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they got to the joint, Steven and Nick were both pleasantly surprised that it was 50's themed, with a checkered floor, shiny stools at the counter that spun in place (much to the delight of Steven), and framed pictures of old cars and pop advertisements on the walls. They gave their orders to the exhausted looking waiter, the half-gem insisted on paying, and now here they were, Steven propelling himself in slow circles on his stool while Nick sat on his, motionless.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Steven, what's your home like?" Nick asked after a while, gazing expressionless at the drink flavorings and ice cream machines that were visible over the counter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He paused his spinning on the stool-top, thinking about how to best glaze over the alien race that has populated most of his life, and one of his hometowns. "Well... there's lots of people there, people of all sorts. There's good food there, like treats from the Big Donut, though I don't really go there much anymore, and everyone in the city is really nice.." He didn't mention how their niceness always turned to pity in his eyes, how they could probably see his shoulders dragging him down as he walked, and that's why they were all so nice to him all the time. Only pity would make someone needlessly talk to him, or ask how he's been, no really, are you okay, have you been getting sleep, your eyes look like they need a bag check at the airport, are you-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"-teven? Are you there?" Nick's voice brought the world back into his attention, along with the sight of the teenager nudging his arm, looking a little concerned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm here. Sorry, I just kinda zoned out, thinking about...home." The concern he would get even from his human friends edged back into his awareness, clenching his fingers against his jacket and the counter as he tried to focus on Nick's next words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Alright, just... You can talk to me if something's wrong, okay?" The question reminded him uncannily of Amethyst, and his heart felt choked in an invisible, tight grip. Nick looked up directly into his eyes, and Steven felt bored into, almost as if he'd been caught doing something wrong. He nodded nonetheless.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good. Anyway, I was just going to ask what'd you think if I came back with you and lived in your town."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If Steven had been drinking his lemonade right now, he'd probably choke on it. As much as he liked his newfound friend, he'd told and shown Nick a more vulnerable side of him, one that his neighbors and friends back home weren't even aware of. He didn't want that to somehow come up in conversation-especially if Nick were to somehow get talking with the Crystal Gems, or his dad....</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well- I don't know if there's room for anyone new, it's pretty crowded there, y-you see." As it wasn't his signature, regular lie of </span>
  <em>
    <span>I'm fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>, his words seemed more shaky and not as believable to him. Nick looked a little disappointed, but he seemed to at least accept Steven's fib.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Alright..." He trailed off, deep in thought. There was a few minutes of silence before Nick spoke up again. "Could I use your phone to make a call?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven handed him the device, and Nick stepped toward the bathrooms for some semblance of privacy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, for the first time in hours, Steven was entirely alone. Repressed thoughts quickly attempted to resurface themselves- pain he caused others, pain he gave himself, pain at </span>
  <em>
    <span>being </span>
  </em>
  <span>himself. His hands wrapped around his body and pulled at his arms, desperate to exist </span>
  <em>
    <span>anywhere else</span>
  </em>
  <span> other than the sub par, disappointing body his mind reluctantly called home. It disappointed the Gems with its organic, non-Rose Quartz nature; it disappointed his dad, Connie, and all his human friends with the shining (bloodstained) gemstone always under his shirt, not able to ever fully relate to their human troubles. He disappointed himself, for not being better, for not doing more, for not being able to expel the demons infesting his mind, the things that made him wrong, defective, </span>
  <em>
    <span>contaminated</span>
  </em>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick was sitting back down in his stool next to Steven, his phone now on the counter between them. He forcibly calmed his breath, desperate not be asked whether he's fine (which he </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span>) again. He forced himself to look up at the other teen. "So who'd you call?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick fiddled with the straw of his own drink, some caffeinated thing Steven was unfamiliar with. "I.. have an aunt who lives a few towns away from here, who is a lot nicer and open-minded about people like me than my parents are. Of course, that's not saying much, but anyway, I asked to stay with her for a while. Once she was actually awake, she said she'd start clearing out a space for me, and that I'm free to show up when I can. So, what I'm saying is..." He sighed contentedly, and smiled at Steven. "I now have a home that I can look forward to calling it that."</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>'That's more than I can say-'</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's awesome!!" Steven cried, forcing an unnatural-feeling grin spread across his face. He didn't normally (ever) smile this much, but this was worth it for Nick. And at that, the tired waiter brought out their midnight snack/early breakfast, giving them perfectly-timed celebration food.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both ate with smiles as they talked, one genuine and one forced, discussing the future for Nick with his aunt and what that could mean for him. He said with only the slightest grimace that since he'd probably be allowed to leave the house now, he wanted to get a job somewhere, and get his driver's license too. They discussed the best possible employment places (the places most likely of having free food for those who worked there) and if he had a choice, what car to get once he could drive (Steven was immovably biased to older cars, so it was a repetitive argument). Steven made himself focus on the conversation, on Nick's smiling face, on eating enough of the greasy, meaty food in front of him to seem normal (he was starting to seriously debate becoming a vegetarian once he got home). He couldn't afford to go into another internal spiral, which seemed to keep happening to him more and more. Some people liked lots of alone time, but for him lately, time in his own head was becoming dangerous.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally Nick finished his food, so Steven left a tip for the sleep-deprived waiter and left with the elated teen. Their moods seemed to be reversed from when they'd first met only a few hours ago- Nick was excited, and at least somewhat happy, while Steven felt exhausted in at least six different ways, walking faster to get away from his thoughts and away from the expectations.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sullen, Steven unlocked the passenger door for Nick (what with the age of the old Dondai, he had to do it manually), and had just turned toward his own door before he noticed Nick hadn't gone in yet. He merely stood there, deep thoughts etched across his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey pal, you gonna... get in?" Steven mustered all the happy-go-luckiness he had in a shallow, hidden reserve somewhere leftover from childhood, and nudged Nick in the back. To his surprise, however, the other teen flinched at his touch, suddenly curling in on himself against the seat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I-I'm sorry, Nick, I didn't- are you okay?" Steven stuttered, afraid to touch him even in comfort. He really shouldn't be surprised, it'd taken Nick long enough to realize what a worthless mistake he was, recoiling from his touch was only the kindest of appropriate responses, why was he even-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Uh, yeah, I-I'm fine." Nick said quietly, standing back up but still not facing him. He could almost see the tension throughout the weathered boy's body. "It's just- that's where one of my bruises are."</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>'They did the stuff you'd typically expect'. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The realization sunk into Steven like ice water seeping through his veins. Over Nick's own excitement the last half hour, the reminder of why he had needed to stay with his aunt in the first place had slipped from his mind. It almost had seemed like Nick had healed from the experience, but it looked like both physical and mental marks still scarred the teen's person.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you... Is there a lot of bruises?" Steven asked carefully. He had an idea playing in his mind, something he might be able to do to genuinely help someone for once.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Enough that my body looks polka-dotted under my shirt- why?" Nick turned around only partially, but enough that Steven could see the unease and pain in his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I was just, um... I have something I could do to, make them better? If you'll let me?" He realized as he spoke that a normal human wouldn't have healing saliva, and that healing Nick's bruises would mean a lot of explaining and displaying of his Gem that he did </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>want to go through right now. "Well- never mind, just forget I said anythi-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Make 'em better, huh?" Nick questioned, now fully turned around. His dark eyes met Steven's light ones with no hesitation. Steven fiddled with his jacket, his shirt, his hands- a nervous tic he realized he'd picked up from the other boy. "Are you secretly some sort of skilled ninja doctor that I didn't know about?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'</span>
  <em>
    <span>Actually, that's pretty much head on- besides the skilled and ninja part.' </span>
  </em>
  <span>He thought, while eyeing Nick. "..Sorta? Just... doing it won't hurt, but you have to promise me you won't ask any questions, okay?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ask questions about what?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That was a question. Please?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Alright, fine. What am I supposed to do?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A brief memory flashed before his eyes; when he'd talked with Lapis up on her heaven-grazing tower of water lifetimes ago, her hesitant and confused look as he explained what his spit could do for her. His mouth turned upward faintly, a ghost of a smile coming and going, before he simply told Nick to turn around.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now actually faced with his task, he realized how awkward this would be for both of them. "Um.... I'll have to lift up your shirt a little bit, so I can touch, uh, your back. Is that okay?" He asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick nodded wordlessly, so Steven bent down to level his face with about the bottom of Nick's rib cage. He wasn't all that shorter than the older teenager, so he just had to do a little squat as he gently lifted Nick's shirt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hadn't been kidding; bruises were littering the teen's bony back, creating a disturbing but oddly beautiful pattern of blues, purples, blacks, and peaches. Some looked fresh, still dark and just a few days old, while others were older and nearly faded. His heart sunk when he realized that for a while, this had just been Nick's life, his reality. Steven let out a suspended breath, and pressed his lips to the pointed edge of Nick's spine for a mere moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled back, watching the small sparkles appear and do their work. Almost like footprints being washed away in the sand, Nick's back was cleared of its miscolorings in a blink, leaving the only scars for him ones Steven couldn't see, and couldn't wash away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Alright, I'm done." He announced, and after a moment of hesitation, went around to the driver's door to avoid questions. Nick stood dumbstruck for a moment before getting in the car with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven started the engine, desperate to not say anything. It'd been a long time since he'd healed anyone, and he thought it'd feel good to help someone. He just felt dragged down, however, now worried about what Nick could be wondering or thinking about him. Every time he'd ever tried to do something good, it had always backfired. Now he was just waiting for the blow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took a few minutes once he'd started driving for Nick to speak up. "Do you need directions to my aunt's house?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven kept his exhausted eyes on the road, determined not to veer into one of the occasional oncoming cars. "Yeah. Tell me when I need to turn or anything."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another minute of awkward silence passed, save for Steven's soft music filling the otherwise empty space. </span>
  <em>
    <span>'Someone to quiet the voices in my head, make them sing to me instead,'</span>
  </em>
  <span> sang to them from his speakers before Nick spoke again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why did you kiss my back?" The teenager asked, confusion evident in his tone. Steven's fingers tapped against the steering wheel before he answered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Remember that part, about me saying no questions allowed? I'm pretty sure that qualified as a question."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick's eyes narrowed, even after he directed Steven to turn onto a different street. "So my bruises are gone."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven said nothing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And that has something to do with the fact that you kissed my back."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven proceeded to officially claim muteness for the rest of this conversation. His hands shook, and his heart raced, at the thought of Nick figuring out he was as strange as he was, and his emotions were so all over the place that he had no inclination as to why.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick examined his hand for a moment, then looked over at Steven again. "And the cut on my finger is gone too, so whatever happened is </span>
  <em>
    <span>really messed up</span>
  </em>
  <span>." The same could be said about Steven himself, too. Messed up. A mistake. Not even near worth trying to save.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Will you just tell me eventually what the hell just happened? One day? Turn left at the light." Nick said, pointing toward his next turn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Will we ever even talk in the future though?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I put my aunt's house number in your phone, stupid. Plus I wrote down yours, so when I'm allowed a phone again, I'll be able to text my cool, but also kind of strange friend."</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(Stupid. Strange. Both synonyms to Steven Universe.)</span>
  </em>
  <span> "Oh."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So will I ever find out about these mysterious secrets of yours?"</span>
</p><p><span>"Maybe if I'm not pestered about it anymore." He said, and immediately regretted it. He didn't mean that to come out so harsh, but Steven really just wanted some quiet right now. He was </span><em><span>exhausted</span></em><span>, and his eyes hurt from having been open for so long. Maybe he could call off helping with finished touches at Little Homeschool </span><span>tomorrow morning</span> <span>this morning</span><span> in a few hours, just so he could collapse on his bed peacefully and just </span><em><span>sleep</span></em><span>. Maybe if he could just get over his fears, insecurities, and nightmares like a normal person, he'd be nearing the end of a good night's sleep by now.</span></p><p>
  <span>Nick was more quiet after that, now only speaking to give directions, and assure Steven they were close. An echo of an apology danced on Steven's lips, but he wasn't sure how to express it without hurting Nick again. He tried to plan it out while driving, but his time was cut short when Nick announced his new home was just up on the right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was suddenly dreading the loss of his only company for the night as he pulled up to the curb, and parked. Both boys sensed there were things that still needed to be said, but neither could tell what exactly they were. The last song on Steven's tape had ended just moments before this, so the silence was even more pressing than before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So... this is goodbye, then." Nick ventured, slow and unsteady.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, I guess." Steven replied. What do you say to a person you've known for less than twelve hours, yet have shared with some of the most heart-wrenching, self-hating emotions he'd otherwise never spoken of? Not even including the stuff Nick had chosen to share with him…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"...Can I take a guess about my bruises disappearing?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven's heart skipped a beat, then doubled its tempo, but he breathed through his nose and tried to conceal it all. "Sure, I guess."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick sighed, and looked him dead in the eye. "I'm not really sure about the specifics, but I think my bruises disappearing is at least somewhat related to these hidden emotional issues that you broke down about earlier. You've seemed intent on not talking about either, in the same sort of way, too."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven's anxiety from ten seconds ago was a baby hill compared to the peak it was at now. His nerves had him frozen to his seat in a sort of truth-shocked horror, and so he could do nothing but listen to the voiced thoughts he'd been ignoring for years.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You just... You should really stop repressing whatever issues you've been trying to ignore, I-" His voice broke on a minuscule level, so small that if Steven had been able to do anything besides listen, he probably wouldn't have caught it. "I've seen up close what repressing emotional stuff can do to a person, and the bigger and more stuff there is, the worse it'll get. So- for me, for your family if they're a good one, for the girl that's on your home screen- there's tons of people close to you that care about you, plus dozens more that you're probably not even aware of, so-" Nick took a shaky breath. "If you won't do it for yourself, at least open up for them. For me. For everyone who cares."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still frozen to the core, this time it wasn't anxiety that put Steven's brain on pause, but overwhelming, mixed and varied emotions that were flooding throughout his system, including from his tear ducts. He sniffed, and wiped his eyes, wanting to wait at least until Nick was outside his car until he had another breakdown. "O-Okay." He swallowed, and blinked furiously, taking a moment to breathe. In, out. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Flexibility.</span>
  </em>
  <span> In, out.</span>
  <em>
    <span> Love.</span>
  </em>
  <span> In, out. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Trust.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"I-I'd like to say something helpful, or healing, for you, or at least give you some amount of closure, but..." Steven sighed, then genuinely smiled. "Can I just say that I look forward to texting you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The other teenager returned his smile. "You don't need to tell me, I can already tell."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick looked off at his aunt's front door, still closed but yet inviting nonetheless. He looked down at his knees, as if thinking, then back at Steven.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Can I give you something? I know that's a question, but just a goodbye-don't-know-when-we'll-see-each-other-again sort of thing..." He seemed a little nervous, strangely reminding Steven of the hurt, abandoned teen he'd found on the gas station floor just earlier this morning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sure." He said with a smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You gotta close your eyes first though."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven did as he was told, yet every inch of him was surprised when he felt soft, chilly lips touch lightly on his cheek. It wasn't quite like the kiss Connie had given him before she'd left for space camp, but instead this one lingered for just a little less time, Nick's mouth a bit firmer and bigger than Connie's.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In total, he only had his eyes closed for maybe a few seconds, but by the time he thought to open them, Nick was already out of his seat, just about to close the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And that's for kissing my back earlier. Plus... just, everything. Thanks." Nick had both red cheeks and a bright smile on his face as he closed the door, and walked along the sidewalk to the entrance of his new home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven sat in his driver's seat, belief and bewilderment and depression and happiness twirling around his head, all fighting for who would get the spotlight. Apparently no one won, because Steven still didn't know how he felt as he flipped a U-turn, and began the trip home.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The drive home was uneventful, save for Steven forgetting what the sun looked like, putting on a happier tape with some of his dad's songs and a few Sadie Killer and The Suspects numbers he'd put together, and walking into a just-opened convenience store to supposedly buy a drink, but really he was just making most of the unlimited packaged caffeine shots that came free with drinks. He was going to laugh in the afterlife if after every Gem that had tried to kill him, Steven Universe died by falling asleep at the wheel of an ancient, barely-functioning car at six in the morning. As deliriously funny as that seemed though, he needed to get home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He recognized the hills first, remembering scouting them with Bismuth long ago, looking for a spot for their new little Gem town. Even as he thought of it, Little Homeworld distantly appeared around a bend in the road, the tall tower spinning as always. He passed it with a smile, noting the busyness and life that always teemed from the familiarly-alien town.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he approached the exit for Beach City, he felt like he'd been away for thousands of years, speaking to how long the singular night had felt. Maybe it was the sleep-deprivation talking though.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He passed all his old favorite pastimes as he neared the end of his drive toward the temple-Fryman's fry shop, Fish Stew Pizza, Funland Arcade- and oh god, this last place, the closest to his home out of all of them, his favorite snack and breakfast place for so many years. Steven smirked, and, humoring his past self, he turned off the main road, taking a little detour.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He parked his car, and walked in through the door, hearing the familiar bell ring at his arrival. Even at this </span>
  <span>late</span>
  <span> early hour, Steven knew this place was open, for he had memorized the daily opening and closing schedule of the Big Donut long ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey Lars, is Mr. Dewey not working today?." Steven said, clearing his throat. It'd been a little bit more than an hour drive from Nick's house to home, and he hadn't talked during any of it. leaving his voice hoarse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, he does, but he doesn't come in for another couple hours, so it's just me for now. What kind of donut do ya feel like?" The pink young adult seemed more at ease than he'd ever been.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think I'll have one of my old usuals, and a glazed. Do you even remember what my usual was?" Steven showed a kidding smile at his old friend, watching as he grabbed Steven's order.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Steven, you came in here at least once a day for years. If a donut with chocolate icing and sprinkles isn't etched into the very base of my skull, I think at least one of us has done our jobs wrong." He shook his head, putting the two baked goods into a paper bag. "That'll be 2.14"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steven handed him three dollars, told him to keep the change, and went back out to his car, donuts in hand. Some things never changed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He munched on the glazed while he got his engine started, saving the chocolate for when he knew Amethyst would insist on a bite. Steven set it down while he drove the short, remaining distance to the temple.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He parked in the same spot of sand that he always did, but he greeted the beach and the cliff face with a thankful familiarity as he got out of the instrument of his adventure, locked the doors, and walked up the steps to his house. He finished the glazed donut just as he walked in through inside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Here at the counter, on the couch, and in the kitchen, was his beautiful family-Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl. They all looked over at him when he walked in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, Steven! We were wondering where you went," Pearl said from the kitchen, random ingredients spread on the counter before her. It looked like she was attempting to cook him breakfast.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shrugged, but smiled. "I just went out for donuts." Garnet ruffled his hair softly as he walked over to Amethyst on the couch, and handed her half the chocolate donut. She grinned at him, and swallowed it in one bite</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, he was home.</span>
  <strong><br/>
</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>-even though I edited this to hell all mistakes are my mistakes<br/>-the song accidently turned out to be the tune of drift away?? haha whoops<br/>-anyway, I wanted to get this to 11k, but me and my first-draft-is-best-draft ass couldn't get in just an extra 100 words. oh well.<br/>-hope you enjoyed it, and kudos/comment if you did!! ^^</p></blockquote></div></div>
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